Redeeming Love.

So it’s been over two years. If you’re reading this I’m sure it’s coming as a surprise. Two years ago I came back from Bolivia entirely broken. And to many, I’m sure, I seemed entirely hypocritical.

In those two years I have come to realize that my physical work in an outreach center to children in the mountains was maybe only 20% of how God wanted to use my life to impact others. The rest comes now. In sharing the dark, gross, painful story of redeeming love that led me to an amazing restoration.

In July I announced to my family, my church, my friends, and entire world that I would be having a baby in December. That gave me 6 months full of loneliness, brokenness, embarrassment, learning, struggling, and trusting. Some people reacted harshly, some people were probably happy to see the hypocrisy of a Christian living out such visible sin, but there were a lot who met me with the grace that only comes through a daily walk with Christ. I am so thankful for those people whose words and actions reflected exactly the type of goodness He shows us all. And really, that’s what my story is...the good news...the gospel.
I wanted to be very open about where I was and what was going on in my heart (The only way I was able to heal was through a long, very difficult path of honesty and openness). The way I see it, Jesus was not first in my life. I was obsessing over all kinds of other things, mostly myself. But He is so, so in love with us, He was jealous for my attention and affection that He did whatever it took to bring me back to Him. He let me be the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). Not so He could laugh at me when I fell flat on my face but so that He could hold me and heal me and show me true love.

In the 6 months I was home in the US, I struggled through A LOT of emotions. I wasn’t just sorry I was caught, I was truly sorry for my actions but in a sense I felt like God couldn’t forgive me. I mean, I was a missionary who came home pregnant. Let’s not beat around the bush, that’s pretty bad. I struggled with knowing whether or not I had ever known real salvation or if it had always been a lie. As I stared at my sin I saw an empty future, as if I had ruined everything. And this situation, unlike other shortcomings, was an in your face, day in and day out reminder. Everyone looked at me with that baby so differently. Everything changed and suddenly the round belly growing on me WAS my identity. I stood for something in this society. I thought so much about Hester Prynne and the scarlet letter. And I finally understood it. In twenty first century America we just call that maternity clothes without a wedding ring.

Although my church was so loving towards me I needed to break away, be more than the pregnant missionary. So I found a new church. But it was so hard to talk to anyone. I don’t even mean open up about my situation, I mean just say my name. I felt so much shame and so much hopelessness. I had a lump in my throat, that on-the-verge-of-crying feeling…. for 6 months. I remember countless Sundays where all I did was cry through worship. Somehow, looking back, those are the most raw and amazing memories I have (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZV1fLFGQPo). I was on my knees, hands open to my creator, tears uncontrollably rolling down my face, begging that He would make me whole again. And He did.

I don’t know that really anyone can relate to this exact situation. But maybe you can relate to those emotions. To feeling like you’ve really done it, you’ve dug yourself into a pit with no way out. To a life of secrets and shame. To feeling like you can’t be forgiven. Feeling so unworthy. Overwhelmed by loneliness, wanting so bad to be supported and loved and yet feeling unlovable. Undecided with little hope for your next move.

That’s it. That’s all of us. And that’s where Christ holds us.

Sin is serious. My sin was serious. ALL sin is serious. It requires someone to pay the price, to take the shame, to bear the consequences. What I learned was that my baby was not a consequence or a punishment. Jesus died to pay the ransom for our sins and instead of punishing me He said “Shelby, I love you so much that I will die, I will take all of the filth and the pain and the hurt, and I will then give you Hope.” She is the living proof that we are never given up on. He fulfills His promises, He gives us more than we deserve, He is gracious, He is merciful, and He is so good to us. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1spkhp41ig4)

My debt has been paid, I am not a slave to the sadness, to the shame, to the broken heart, to the regret. I do not have to walk around like Hester Prynne. Christ has made beautiful things out of me. He took brokenness and has let redemption win in my life (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM). He will not withhold forgiveness to me...

I no longer wear a scarlet letter I wear the marks of your love. Let every shade of red point to His redeeming love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv55FMjeMV0

*Throughout this post I have added links to the songs that spoke to me and became my prayers and praise over the last 2 years*

Wrappin' Up..

Over the past couple of months I've been meeting with a great friend and discipler, Kate. She is a missionary from Australia who has shown me so many things. The love of Christ, the love of a family, the welcoming arms of someone who cares... Well this week she had me answer some questions (not all of them are here) to debrief on my time in Bolivia as I prepare to head home. Wow, this was awesome to go through & see my answers intertwine and clarify my own thoughts on paper. Thought I'd share some. Thanks Kate!!!


What is something God has show you about Himself in Bolivia?
The love of Christ? His faithfulness? The mercy of God? His holiness? All things I've learned about since coming here but ultimately... My heavenly Father's desire to BE WITH ME! His passion and jealousy to be my one and only, to be my breath & life, to be everything that holds me together. In spite and BECAUSE of my failures He longs to be in a beautiful, intimate relationship with me. Literally Christ wants me to be in love with Him. And He uses all things to to love on me, make me fall in love with Him, or bring me back into being in love with Him, my first love! Deuteronomy 4:24

How do you not want to be the same as you were before you came to Bolivia?I don't want my love for others to be the same. I want to see EVERYONE (Christians & Non-Christians) like I see people here. With open eyes of love and grace. Not seeing economic status, skin color, clothes types, dirty or clean bodies..Knowing that everyone has a story but that Christ's love trumps ALL.  Unlike before I want stereotypes and reputations to be lost in the love and mercy only God can show.
I want to walk in love! Romans 12:9-10

In what ways could you describe this moment in your life as a gift (about to leave one world but not yet back in the other)?
It's hard to look at such a difficult time as a gift but when put in that light; this time is allowing me to evaluate the things and people of true importance. Whether it's what and who has impacted & changed my life here or whether it's the things I long for, the places I miss, or the arms I want so badly to be in state-side. I don't think I'll ever decide which life or home or experience I love more, impacted me more, or I miss more. But if it were not for this tear in my heart and moment in my life, I may have never recognized the importance and blessing of what God has truly given to me in this life...

What is THE thing God has done in you in your time in Bolivia?
B r o k e n  M e  D o w n   Psalm 51:17

What has been the best thing about your time in Bolivia?
My viewpoint change. Towards the world, the Christians  brothers, the lost, the hurting, the hurters, the mess-ups, the strugglers, US. Oh & the people I've met here :) Ups & downs!

What are you looking forward to the most about being back in the US?
Just simply being with my family. Not so much the culture, my friends, the activities, the food, the country itself... Simply the presence of true, untaintable LOVE of my family.

the bittersweet countdown.

23 days until I'm state side. Holy cow.
So I'm just stopping in to give anyone who still actually reads this bog..an update!
My last few weeks here will be filled with the children, the streets of Cochabamba which have become so dear to me, spending as much time with familiar faces, traveling a bit, and just soaking in a place I call home; Bolivia.

The bittersweet countdown has begun. The days I have left and the days until I'm home. I don't think I'll ever be able to put into words this clash of emotions. I guess I'm just going to live one day at a time. Trusting that God knows best, that He brought me here, He's bringing me home, and He will be with me every step of the way. Wherever I go.
Daily trust is now my focus...


Dear Lord,Thank you for bringing me to where I am today. Thank you for the experiences you have put in my life and every little detail that has led me to now. Give me the strength for tomorrow and take the worry from my heart. Teach me to trust in you every second, every step, every day. 

Faithfulness towards the Israelites!

So I've been addicted to the Old Testament for a while now. Recently I started taking a class that covers the whole Bible, as ONE book...starting with the Old Testament. The story of the children of Israel will never cease to amaze me. Especially when I realize that it is the perfect example of ME (all of us humans in general).
The story of God's faithfulness and blessings towards continually broken, sinful, and unfaithful people is so beautiful. The story of the Israelites is so emotional; heartbreaking, anger-stiring, encouraging, redeeming.
I have learned so much about myself by studying these people and learned so much about my relationship with Christ. The Savior.

I've learned that God is a jealous God. That He longs to be with the Israelites (Me). Him & them (I). Nothing else. No distractions. Though the Israelites (I) constantly get distracted, turn their backs on God, disregard His warnings & love, and completely mess up God never stops wanting to be intimately with them (Me)!!! How amazing to be so wanted and loved.

I've learned that the Israelites (I) are completely failed people. That is what makes the beauty of their relationship with God shine. God chose them (Me). Yucky, disgusting them (Me).

I've learned that God truly does want the best for the Israelites (Me). He wants to bless them (Me) and bring them (Me) back into a perfect relationship with Him. God is constantly reaching out for them (Me) regardless of their (My) lack of pursuit, their (My) lack of faithfulness HE IS FAITHFUL. His promises of blessing never, never fail.

I've learned that the Israelites (I) were never fulfilled in chasing after other things. The pursuit of false idols, the cry for a King, trust in a human leaders. They are never satisfied and are always left wanting more. As I am. Until they (I) have Jesus, who completes that desire in their (My) heart.

I've learned that two things are consistent in the story of the Israelites (Shelby); They (I) are constantly unfaithful and God is constantly faithful. They (I) are loved by a God and called to serve a God that will never cease to be faithful to them despite their (My) consistency to be unfaithful to Him.

I've learned that only in the Israelites' (My) weakest time can they find legitimate communion with God. Time and time again God must break down His people (Me) in order for them to understand His love towards them (Me). Because they (I) are so human and full of themselves (Myself) their eyes are blinded, distracted, and focused on themselves (Myself). God brings them (Me) to the end of themselves (myself) to show How dependable HE IS!


I challenge everyone to look into the stories of the children of Israel! They put your perspective of God in a whole new light and also your perspective of your walk with Him as well! :).

What I love about Sundays.

Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.

Galatians 6:9
I have planned to blog this on April 22 but hadn't ever posted it and kept it as a draft. Now the comparison of the same subject over a month's time....

April 22, 2013

It's chilly as the morning breeze whistles by. Yet in her silence you can hear the birds flutter their wings. The city appears clearer than weekdays in the morning sun. Surrounded by few but very faithful brothers. Windows flung wide open. Smoothly His praises ring from that room on the mountain side. I can only imagine the noise echoing through the hills. Broken-hearted prayers follow the remembrance of His sacrifice with wine and bread. Tender hearts reaching out to one another, to one another's familiar hands. 
Every Sunday we gather. We gather at the newly founded church. Not because there is a line of people waiting for us, not because we are seeing new faces we have missed all week, not because of the overflow but because that's where God called us. Called us to be a light. Every Sunday the 4 interns, 2 Bolivian families from the team....and 3 children come. Just 3. They live a block from our building and are always looking their best, with combed hair and their best clothes on Sunday mornings.
That's it. Just us.
Some mornings it gets hard. I long to fellowship with brothers and sisters that I haven't seen all week. To be surrounded by a big body of Christ. But those 3 kids, they keep us there. If God is doing something in the hearts and lives of those 3 little ones through us, that's enough for me. 
So despite the temptation to feel down by the low numbers....The number 3 holds our spirits high.

May 20, 2013

Yesterday we met in the beautiful sanctuary, up at The Center. The crew (13 to be exact) from our team was present as well as the faithful 3. As we sang hymns to prepare ourselves for communion smiles filled our faces as 2 more children walked in. Girls from the 3rd and 4th grade from The Center walked in for their first Sunday, happy as ever to join with us in the church service. Ahhhhh (a sigh of happiness/satisfaction.) Minutes later I turned my head back to see not 1 or 2 more children walking in but A WHOLE FAMILY! Parents and everything!!!! Our main man, Don Mario, who has been helping to build The Center every day since day one brought his wife and 2 daughters to church. As they walked in from the back door of the sanctuary I was covered with goose bumps, overcome by a lump in my throat, and brought to tears.... AHHHHHHHHH.

Please continue to pray for those in the area of the church. Pray that we would see more faces walking in through that door, week after week. But also thank God with me this week for His goodness and faithfulness.

The little faces :)

My role in The Center this year is a little all over the place but I'm really enjoying helping wherever I can. I usually am helping in a 2nd grade class again but also taking time away to prepare the snack, wash dishes, help in the library, and hang out with the homework-free kiddos! Here's the little faces from 2nd grade that I spend ever day with! :)

Maribel

Paola

Araceli

Twins?!?! Nope, not even sisters :p

Anghi

Israel

Hector

Ronald

Julio

Alison

Cirila

Cristian
A little squirmy so this is the best shot we'll get of this little guy for now!

There you have it :) Please be praying for these faces and hearts. The more connected I get to them, the more I learn of their lives... the more I only hope they are being impacted by the love of Jesus at The Center and heading towards a future of walking with Him! 

Sunshine!

Good afternoon, ya'll!

The SUN is shining and the breeze is flowing in through my huge, lovely window. I hear the fruit truck blaring and someone's hands scrubbing clean their laundry outside. I smell my wooden night stand and highlighted Bible as I sit on my bed. I'm a little sleepy but there's just too many thoughts in my head to let me nap.

I'm thinking about this country. About the time passed and the time missing.
I'm thinking of all the joy and opportunities I have found here. The lessons and strengths I've gained. The rough nights and the exciting mornings. The conversations. The walks. The trips to the market. The hugs from such loving little arms. The language learning. The unforgettable people.

I'm thinking about it all. And I'm happy..

"Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation."

Choose joy & let the sunshine in wherever you find yourself this week! :)