So it’s been over two years. If you’re reading this I’m sure
it’s coming as a surprise. Two years ago I came back from Bolivia entirely
broken. And to many, I’m sure, I seemed entirely hypocritical.
In those two years I have come to realize that my physical
work in an outreach center to children in the mountains was maybe only 20% of
how God wanted to use my life to impact others. The rest comes now. In sharing
the dark, gross, painful story of redeeming love that led me to an amazing restoration.
In July I announced to my family, my church, my friends, and
entire world that I would be having a baby in December. That gave me 6 months
full of loneliness, brokenness, embarrassment, learning, struggling, and
trusting. Some people reacted harshly, some people were probably happy to see
the hypocrisy of a Christian living out such visible sin, but there were a lot
who met me with the grace that only comes through a daily walk with
Christ. I am so thankful for those people whose words and actions reflected
exactly the type of goodness He shows us all. And really, that’s what my story
is...the good news...the gospel.
I wanted to be very open about where I was and what was going on in my heart (The only way I was able to heal was through a long, very difficult path of honesty and openness). The way I see it, Jesus was not first in my life. I was obsessing over all kinds of other things, mostly myself. But He is so, so in love with us, He was jealous for my attention and affection that He did whatever it took to bring me back to Him. He let me be the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). Not so He could laugh at me when I fell flat on my face but so that He could hold me and heal me and show me true love.
I wanted to be very open about where I was and what was going on in my heart (The only way I was able to heal was through a long, very difficult path of honesty and openness). The way I see it, Jesus was not first in my life. I was obsessing over all kinds of other things, mostly myself. But He is so, so in love with us, He was jealous for my attention and affection that He did whatever it took to bring me back to Him. He let me be the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). Not so He could laugh at me when I fell flat on my face but so that He could hold me and heal me and show me true love.
In the 6 months I was home in the US, I struggled through A
LOT of emotions. I wasn’t just sorry I was caught, I was truly sorry for my
actions but in a sense I felt like God couldn’t forgive me. I mean, I was a
missionary who came home pregnant. Let’s not beat around the bush, that’s
pretty bad. I struggled with knowing whether or not I had ever known real
salvation or if it had always been a lie. As I stared at my sin I saw an empty
future, as if I had ruined everything. And this situation, unlike other shortcomings,
was an in your face, day in and day out reminder. Everyone looked at me with that baby so differently. Everything changed and suddenly the round belly growing on me WAS my
identity. I stood for something in this society. I thought so much about Hester
Prynne and the scarlet letter. And I finally understood it. In twenty first
century America we just call that maternity clothes without a wedding ring.
Although my church was so loving towards me I needed to
break away, be more than the pregnant missionary. So I found a new church. But
it was so hard to talk to anyone. I don’t even mean open up about my situation,
I mean just say my name. I felt so much shame and so much hopelessness. I had a
lump in my throat, that on-the-verge-of-crying feeling…. for 6 months. I remember
countless Sundays where all I did was cry through worship. Somehow, looking
back, those are the most raw and amazing memories I have (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZV1fLFGQPo). I was on my knees,
hands open to my creator, tears uncontrollably rolling down my face, begging
that He would make me whole again. And He did.
I don’t know that really anyone can relate to this exact
situation. But maybe you can relate to those emotions. To feeling like you’ve
really done it, you’ve dug yourself into a pit with no way out. To a life of secrets and shame. To feeling like
you can’t be forgiven. Feeling so unworthy. Overwhelmed by loneliness, wanting
so bad to be supported and loved and yet feeling unlovable. Undecided with
little hope for your next move.
That’s it. That’s all of us. And that’s where Christ holds
us.
Sin is serious. My sin was serious. ALL sin is serious. It
requires someone to pay the price, to take the shame, to bear the consequences.
What I learned was that my baby was not a consequence or a punishment. Jesus
died to pay the ransom for our sins and instead of punishing me He said
“Shelby, I love you so much that I will die, I will take all of the filth and
the pain and the hurt, and I will then give you Hope.” She is the living proof that we are never given up on. He fulfills His promises, He gives us more than we deserve, He is gracious, He is merciful, and He is so good to us. (
My debt has been paid, I am not a slave to the sadness, to
the shame, to the broken heart, to the regret. I do not have to walk around
like Hester Prynne. Christ has made beautiful things out of me. He took brokenness and has let
redemption win in my life (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM). He will not withhold forgiveness to me...
I no longer wear a scarlet letter I wear the marks of your love. Let
every shade of red point to His redeeming love.
*Throughout this post I have added links to the songs that spoke to me and became my prayers and praise over the last 2 years*
